Not So Grinchy: The Ghost of Christmas I Do Not Have and the Heart is Half Full

On "The Sunday Edition" (a show on Radio One – on the CBC), Michael Enright learned to sing "The Christmas Song". It took three singing instructors, and it was pretty funny, but he did a not bad job.

Then they played the yummy version by Mel Torme.

I don’t find being in December as difficult as I used to. I used to find the plethora of happy images of the Christmasses I did not have (sounds like the name of one of the ghosts in "A Christmas Carol" – the-ghost-of-Christmas-I-do-not-have) a bit hard to take: the slightly out of focus shots of the perfectly decorated living room with the perfect tree and the two perfect blonde children dressed in velvet and patent leather, green and red. But not so much now. I have learned to make my own lovely traditions and to not look when those shiny images of the-ghost-of-Christmas-I-do-not-have are put before me.

Shiny images, both visual and intellectual, can be distracting, and, I like to believe, distractions I would prefer not to have. It’s difficult not to want things that are constantly displayed as being desirable, but I am making some effort to not respond so easily, especially when the ever-so-shiny bait that is the idea of romance presents on a hook before me.

I am not really optimistic about the possibility of finding a relationship that even approximates my ideal relationship (MIR). Indeed MIR is something that I’m not sure I’m not too insecure to do. I haven’t done MIR before and may find that my emotional responses may disallow me to have MIR, even though I have analyzed MIR as being something desirable, something that I want, I may find that MIR is not enough for me. Even though it’s something I think I might want, MIR might turn out to be half empty.

Here is a list of the features that this almost-sociopathic-narcissist has determined to be things that are desirable (or not) in MIR:

I want to see The Other at least, but not (much) more than, once or twice per month;

I want there to be spark with The Other, but not so much spark that I need to see them more than once or twice per month

I want The Other to be responsible for themselves, that is I don’t want to have to take much care of them beyond our month to month interactions – I don’t want to have to feed them or clothe them or comfort them or talk them through their world or hear a recitation of the minutiae of their lives if I don’t feel like it;

I want The Other to be tidy, that is I don’t want to clean up after anyone. I am tidy in other peoples’ spaces, but I am not a very tidy person in my own space; I exist in a mess, and I don’t want them adding to it;

I want The Other to be cool, that is not be creepy, that is I don’t want them to disrupt my life, no numerous unwelcome phone calls per day, no unwelcome showing up at my door and leaving unwelcome little gifts, no unwelcome walking past and glaring at me, in short, no stalking;

I want The Other to be independent (no-brainer);

I want The Other to be low maintenance;

I want to feel trust for The Other, I want loyalty and fidelity (not necessarily physical);

I want to feel passion, convenience is not enough;

I want The Other to be responsive;

I want The Other to be dependable;

I want The Other to be interesting;

I want The Other to be self-motivating;

I want The Other to be fun;

I want The Other to be unscented;

I want The Other to be non-smoking;

I want The Other to be happy, at least happy to see me when we do get together;

I want The Other to be able to hold up their end of a good conversation;

I want The Other to be smart, but not so smart that they aren’t able to communicate fairly fluently outside of their field of specialization;

I want The Other to be cute, but not much cuter than I am;

I want The Other to be pleasant, but not so pleasant that they can’t stand up for themselves;

I want The Other to be worthy, but not so worthy that I feel inadequate when I examine our respective existences;

I want The Other to be financially independent, but not so financially independent that they can easily afford things that I absolutely could never afford (impromptu trips to Paris for lunch, etc.).

My closest friends are supportive, but when I have discussed MIR with other people, they invariably bristle and snort and make a comment somewhat like this: "No-one would ever put up with that." Even people who have absolutely no interest in being candidates for The Other-ness (and in whom I have no interest) are hostile to MIR.

Surely asking so little is not asking so much…

~ by thiscassandra on Sunday 24 December 2006.

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